finding a voice

day twenty-three/

My history is shown by what remains.  I am now into day five of filling our paperwork for Henry's medicaid buy-in application.

In order to qualify, we need to demonstrate that Henry has a disability and that we need medical assistance.  Both of these items I accepted (although with reluctance) earlier this year.

The part that is painful is the point-by-point storytelling.  In order to apply for disability through SSI, I need to start at the beginning and work my way through to the present.

As if I needed a reason to wish I was independently wealthy...

So, I started again today, listing doctors and treatments and evaluations and services and finally the forms are complete and I can file them with Family Voices and qualify Henry for the buy-in program tomorrow.

I don't mean to make it sound like it is so hard and heavy.  It is hard to recount the last five years.  I, however, am so thankful that there is a program like the Medicaid Buy-in in Colorado at all.

This program will allow us to augment our private health insurance with all the benefits of Medicaid (low co-pays, no co-pay or deductible for some medical coverage, etc) for a small fee of under $120 per month.  Considering we pay over $700 per month for co-pays for therapy and for out-of-pocket fees, $120 is nothing.

I say nothing but having to declare your child is disabled is far from nothing.

(2 week absence)

So-  the application is complete.  Two days ago, we received documents from the social security administration asking for income verification which leads me to believe that Henry's application will be complete shortly after we submit the additional documentation.

I guess the question I keep asking myself is what exactly do I want.  I certainly don't want this, a declaration of disability on file for Henry two weeks before his fifth birthday.  But our family certainly needs this financial assistance.   We do well financially- better than most, but the strain of paying so much out-of-pocket per month means we don't do other things, like save for college or save for retirement.  We simply spend what we have from month-to-month.

There should be a better way to explain this mixed bag of emotions.  I'm relieved mostly but also very sad and then there is still a touch of panic.  Mostly this panic sets in when I wake up or after I take a nap.  I can't explain that either.

I think I so badly want to make Henry's life and the life of his brothers as normal as possible despite what is taking place.

The highlight of the week was seeing an old friend of mine from college.  Courtney, her husband and two adorable boys stayed with us and my boys were in love with her two little ones.  Parker especially helped the little guys get into and out of various costumes.  We went bowling and Henry won the first round.