how will you remember me?

I think all mothers ask themselves this question at some point in their lives: how will my children remember me? One of my best friends in junior high and high school, Kelly, and I would pour through Matt Groening comic books and the "Life in Hell" series always had caricatures of moms, dads, teachers, brothers and others... In "Childhood is Hell", Matt Groening describes "16 types of moms" including worried mom, drunk mom, permissive mom (even though I think she was called something else), and 13 others. I tried to look it up too. Seems like 1984 Matt Groening is too much of a stretch for google.

I think about this comic a lot because I wonder what type of mother I am. Before I had kids, I was me. I wasn't assigned a specific role but once I gave birth, there it was. I became someone new. I wasn't sure who that person was but I knew I had to grow into some sort of role and I kind of wished my kids would see me as some sort of disney princess, beautiful and kind, understanding and forgiving. We would have tea parties and play fun games and laugh and never, ever have a bad moment. Now, nine years later, it is almost like reading a comic book. I am worried mom and permissive mom and authoritarian mom and other types of moms who might even be worse all rolled into one. I am a caricature at large.

The thing is when I think of my life in context, when I think of my mother, how beautiful and sweet and perfect I thought she was, I also remember times when I didn't think so. Yesterday, Parker screamed at me about how I didn't know what I was talking about (regarding cleaning up his room and putting on socks) and in the car, he rolled his eyes at me when I told him to stop kicking Thomas' seat. Once he got out of the car, I thanked God that he actually goes to school for almost 7 hours a day. Henry bit me during potty training and when I explained to him that all of the people in this family go on the potty, he clearly said "no". After school, he also screamed at one of his classmates and tried to grab the girl scout cookie order form from her... Then amazingly today was a bit worse. I kind of had a meltdown right with Parker this morning. I tried really hard to pull it all together but found that indeed 3 hours investigating health benefits, calling our insurance company and arguing with the call center person is not where I imagined I once might be as a mother. How long will this last? I wonder what type of mother I truly am.

I do know after being a mother for nine plus years that I will always forget (or gloss over) the difficulty of these days. It is really weird that I truly always remember the good or joyful moments and tend to gloss over the bad. From talking to more experienced mothers than myself, I think this is normal and in fact, rather a beautiful tendency. I wish this memory-making was part of all my life experiences.

However, I know, being once a child myself, that the opposite is true of children. I remember my father saying to me once that if you screw up, your child will remember it forever. That part is what haunts me on these sorts of days when I've yelled too often and disciplined when I shouldn't. Especially after today, I wonder what I need to do to make things right for my children- sometimes looking at my children, I remember how I was once a child and what was important then. How will my kids remember me?

finding a voice

SLIDER