Yesterday we went to "The Muppet Movie" for Thomas' 7th birthday with my family, parents and my brother and his new wife, Megan. I loved it as did the kids. When I was little, my brother, sister and I would dance to "Mahna Mahna" and other songs on the muppet album by running around the game table in the rec room of our house. My mom said that when Kermit and Piggy sang "The Rainbow Connection" in the movie yesterday, she got tears in her eyes because she remembered it all like it was yesterday and here she was with two of her children and her grandchildren 20 + years later in the movie theater. This is an aside to the rest of the post, and not really sure how it fits into the rest but...
So, I think the biggest part of my melancholy lately is this realization that I really need to start to accept these things that I cannot change. My "baby" is now 4 and I need to accept we may never know the answer to "why". On Tuesday this week, we got a call from the nurse in the Neurology clinic. She said "Good news! The abnormal result we retested came back normal". And it is good news except for the part where I want it to be something definite. But if it were something definite, I'm sure I would struggle with that news as well.
The nurse also said, "I'm sure you have realized by now that Dr. Collins is a brilliant woman and even if this is not the answer, she will try her hardest to find it". I also realize that I received another bill in the mail today for $70 for labs testing, the third in 2 weeks. I'm all for finding the answer and I'm thankful that Dr. Collins is willing to do so but I'm also starting to question when we need to stop, especially if Henry's therapies will not change.
The accepting part needs to begin and that means tomorrow I need to apply for a special grant through United Healthcare to help with the costs associated with doctor's visits and therapy, especially speech, which has been out-of-pocket. Either this or I need to apply for Medicaid. I don't want to apply for Medicaid. I really, really don't.
But this is what I realize and I don't know if it makes me happy or sad at this point. There will come a time when Henry doesn't want or need me to find the answer and there will also come a time when he will not want me to be there for every single appointment and won't want me explain for him what is going on. There will also come a time when he won't need to sleep in our bed every night and kick me in the face and pull my hair. He won't need me in the same way and this makes me a bit sad to think of right now.
Maybe I just need to enjoy where we are together at this moment as difficult as it seems at times because he is happy and I couldn't be more in love. I think when you experience melancholy its because you realize how beautiful and imperfect your life is at the moment and you don't want it to change. I need to accept that most things will change and there might never be an answer.
This is all hard for a mother to do.
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